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Why You're Not Married by Tracy McMillan


You want to get married. It's taken a while to Admit It. Saying it out loud - events in your mind - Feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of Definitely not you, or at least you and Stock Not That You recognize. Because you're Hardly like TLC Saying Those girls on the dress and yes to you Would Never compete for a man like Those Poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

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1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman
a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm --
that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

However, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will notbe doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.

Tracy McMillan is a writer Whose TV credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You Anyway and I'm Leaving You is now available in paperback from Harper Collins / It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old they are. Follow her on Twitter.

@ whyurnotmarried

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WINNERS CHILDREN by: Luis Baba Nakao

few centuries ago a famous Greek thinker said
'The only constant is that we live in a world of changes' paradox

What truth? The world that we live is one in which everything is changing at a speed we can hardly achieve. The ways to buy, produce, organize for success, distribute, advertise and sell are changing and becoming a higher speed. Probably the main answer to both impressive change is the advancement of technology, especially in two areas: information technology and telecommunications. But how to prepare our children so they can become better citizens of the world?

Below I summarize a message I received a few weeks ago a good friend.

We must prepare our children for the world of the future, not our parents' world and ours. In today the decisive factor for success will be the character, not just knowledge, as many might believe. Having temple, out of failure properly to challenge the failures and not a tragedy ... that is what recruiters look

For freelancers will be a self requirement. A son forge

character if clearly perceived parental authority. With the presence of children and youth authority to act with authority in turn to solve their problems, act on findings. Authority without the presence of our children will be weak in character and act on impulse with subsequent adjustment problems
.

Excess of authority? Excess is always better to lack of authority. The limit of authority is provided by the following rule: 'The state should not humiliate. " Basically which is the child or young adult today will be tomorrow. Occasionally you have to look at the child as an adult potential.

Do we want our children do not suffer? So we must prepare to suffer. ELECTED We can not all the time avoiding any possible suffering "if not when will you learn? You must understand death, life problems, problems in dealing with their fellows. We should not
solve all problems, we must help them to gradually solve themselves. No goals achieved lasting success without a little suffering. Does anyone imagine a champion athlete who does not suffer to achieve their brands? This applies to all types of champion and all types of activity. Always think in part we do not want them to suffer for not suffering us, but they do damage for the future.

must be taught to make additional efforts. Let them know that you can always a little more. Remember that no one collects the crop planted many seeds and pay a lot of land.

is very important to teach lacking, ie to 'feel the lack of' and fend for themselves. There are kids who do not play their sport if they have no shoes 'brand'. If you learn to lack not learn to get by. Although we have to give 100%, boys must know the value of things. If they do boys, will be very difficult
adult and there he will suffer and we with them too. How do we teach them to lack? Giving a little less than what they need! There is no other way! If not, how do feel the lack of? They learn to appreciate what they have. Learn not to be ungrateful. Learn to enjoy life because they often enjoys the simple things. Learn not to be complainers.

An excellent school to learn to not have (without dying in the attempt) is the table of the home, food. What should we feed them? What we decide is good for them! It is not only for their own good stomach, but is an excellent way to learn to lack, not ungrateful, non-complainers. "Mami ... I do not like lentils. " If
want to make a good life, give them the lentils. Tantrums will not exalt (authority is not yelling), not if she does not want, but when you catch your hunger: SURPRISE! ... Lentils heated cooler!

seems incredible, but if we do this sort of thing can not be adapted. The food is lacking a good school, so it will not be picky in their social relationships, at work and in the real world.

must also educate them in the service. A normal family is a team with
few tasks: making beds, cleaning rooms, washing dishes, painting the house, etc. There have to educate them to perform household tasks, even if they do poorly at first. If they do this type of service then they will have problems. The major schools of leadership the world teach young people lack, so they know and understand the world and to lead.

countertops "? Which are a fixed amount, rather, weekly and less of what they believe they need. They learn to manage money. Clear that exceptions should be accepted, but talks quietly.

children build fighters, not wimps overprotected. That is beyond themselves. Take problems as challenges for improvement. Remember that no height reaches
with a single flight. It should also be excited about ideals, future goals, dreams to be good at heart. Is also important to be convinced that winning does not equal 'money or property', winners are those who are happy with what they do with their lives. Only then will make others happy.

Children with mild nature, lack knowledge, trained in the service and full of love and dreams will be children winners.

Parents have the great responsibility of raising children to transform our country, one where freedom prevails, wealth, justice and above all happiness.

When

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I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner from time to time.
remember one particular night, when she had made breakfast after a long day at work. That night long ago, my mom put a plate of eggs, sausage and bread badly burned in front of my father. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! However, although my father noticed it, reached a bread, smiled at my mother and I wonder how I had been at school. I do not remember what I said, but I do remember seeing smearing butter and jelly on bread and eat it. When I rose from the table that night, I remember hearing my mom apologize My father burned the bread. I will never forget what he said: "Honey, I love the burnt bread."
Later that night, I went for the kiss goodnight to my father and asked him if he liked the bread burnt. He hugged me and said, "Your mom had a tough day at work is very tired as well - a little burnt bread does not hurt anyone"
Life is full of things imperfect, imperfect people. I am not the best in almost anything, I forget birthdays and anniversaries like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years, is to learn to accept the shortcomings of each one of us - and decide to celebrate each of the differences other - Is one of the most important things to create a healthy and lasting ... where a burnt bread will not break a heart.
could extend this to any kind of relationship. In fact, understanding is the basis of any relationship, whether husband-wife or father-son or any kind of friendship! "So please pass me some bread, and yes, the burn is good"
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you know, at this time are waging some kind of battle. Anonymous